What Not to Say (and How to Avoid the Awkward Elephant in the Room)

Navigating conversations with someone dealing with cancer can feel like walking a tightrope in a circus—one wrong step, and you might find yourself in the lion’s den. But fear not! With a little guidance, you can become a conversational acrobat, offering support without stepping on any toes. In this post, we’ll explore some common phrases that might earn you a spot in the “oops” tent, and offer more thoughtful alternatives that will have you juggling empathy and humor like a pro.

Many times, people simply don’t say anything at all, for fear of saying the wrong thing or upsetting someone. Unfortunately, cancer is the elephant in the room and ignoring it can appear that someone simply doesn’t care about what’s happening. 

It’s better to say something – anything! – rather than appear unfeeling.

What Not to Say

“Do you still have that cancer thing?”

Someone actually did ask me this! When I said “Yes” he was at a loss on how to respond.

While most people won’t be this blunt, it’s amazing what people do say! Questions like this can feel dismissive and reduces a complex and personal experience to a casual remark. It’s important to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation with sensitivity.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Really? This is almost as bad as someone saying “You aren’t given anything more than you can handle.”

While often meant to comfort, this phrase can be interpreted as minimizing the person’s experience or suggesting they deserve their illness. I truly did have people suggest that I had done something that caused my cancer.

“At least you have the ‘good’ cancer.”

No cancer is “good,” and such comments can invalidate the person’s feelings, fears, and struggles. Every cancer journey is unique and challenging. Once someone has a diagnosis of cancer, it’s a shadow that hangs behind them forever. And, while it may not be a serious diagnosis, the fear is that it will come back…and be worse.

What To Say

“I’m here for you, no matter what you need.”

Offering unconditional support shows empathy and a willingness to help without putting the burden on the individual to ask. As I’ve often said, if possible, offer suggestions on what you can do to help – grocery shopping, driving to appointments, meal preparation, and so on. Sometimes, someone with cancer is struggling with many thoughts and can’t come up with what would be helpful.

“How are you feeling today?”

A simple, open-ended question that allows the person to share as much or as little as they want about their current state. If it appears they do want to talk, a good follow-up question is “Would you like to talk about it, or would you prefer a distraction?”

This gives the person control over the conversation, allowing them to choose what they need at that moment. However – and it’s a big however! – don’t ask if you don’t want to have this discussion!

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

Many times, a simple statement like this is best. It shows you care and that you acknowledge the elephant in the room! When they reply, you can then proceed with the conversation in an appropriate way.

To Conclude

Remember, supporting someone with cancer doesn’t require a PhD in oncology or counseling—just a dash of empathy and a sprinkle of humor. By choosing your words carefully, you can provide support that feels like a warm hug rather than a surprise pie in the face. So, keep your ears open, your heart light, and your words kind. Your compassion and humor can be a powerful duo, turning even the toughest days into a slightly brighter circus act.

I’d love to get your thoughts on this. What were the best – and the worst – things people have said as you’re on your journey?